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Tip—Young children think of themselves as all-good or all-bad at any given moment, so it is important to correct their behavior in a way that still supports their belief in themselves.
The other morning I reprimanded my daughter for turning on the TV when she was supposed to be getting ready for school. She stomped past me, a little tearful, and mumbled, “I’m so stupid!” This concerned me, so we had a small discussion about how I was correcting her behavior, not commenting on her self-worth. The incident served to remind me of how I need to give her more positive feedback than negative and to correct her in a calm and dispassionate way.
Pediatric advice nurse, Helen Neville, author of the newly-released book, Is This a Phase? Child Development & Parent Strategies, Birth to 6 Years, emphasizes how important it is to control our own irritation or anger when children misbehave. “The more upset we get when they do something wrong, the more children feel frightened, ashamed and unloved. Then they want to hide. The more we control ourselves, the better able they are to help fix the problem,” she writes. She recommends taking quick time-out breaks for ourselves when you’re angry or frustrated—even five minutes in your room (without children) can help.

Tools—Neville offers many ideas for disciplining in ways that support your child’s self-esteem in her book. A couple tips are excerpted below.
Criticize specific actions, not general qualities. Say, “You tore the book. That’s not okay” instead of, “You’re careless.” For the moment, little ones will feel badly, no matter what we say. But we don’t want them to carry labels like “careless” inside their heads for the rest of their lives. Focus on the behavior, not the person.
Help children fix mistakes. Given that we all make mistakes, it’s a good thing that most of them can be fixed. Guilt creates the desire to make things right. Starting around age three, we can begin to help children repair their mistakes. If little Ava spills her milk at the table, she can help clean it up. She may have felt like a troublemaker after she spilled the milk, but given a chance to clean it up, that changes to feeling like a “fixer-upper.”
Give much more positive feedback than negative. Notice when they do things right and comment on it. “Thank you for closing the cupboard.” “Great—you splashed water inside the bathtub!” “I love your whisper-voice. We can talk all we want this way and the baby can sleep.” Neville says to aim for five positive comments on their efforts and successes for every one correction.

You’ll find more practical tips you can use right now in Is This a Phase? Child Development & Parent Strategies, Birth to 6 Years by Helen F. Neville, B.S., R.N.

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Really Great Tips on Disciplining Children Without Damaging Self-Esteem